Expectations

We pretend our lives are good. During our "blessed" times, when all is going well, we think in our heads that we are so close to God, and that we are serving and following him so faithfully. When our faith wavers, and our strength fails us, we curse ourselves for being so unfaithful to him. So we hide it. If we're following God faithfully, then we should always be joyful to him right? And when we are weak in our faith because we're so busy, and when we start to turn our eyes from God, we tell others that we need prayer, and that we need to meditate in the word more, and that if we become closer to God, then things will amend. Our deepest struggle is that we are unable to share the gospel effectively to our friends and roommates, and that we feel judged by other people for being a Christian.

So we go to prayer meeting and share. We receive prayer.

We talk to a brother, or sister, and they give advice and prayer.

But all we share is what we're expected to share. We rarely share what we really feel, and when we do, we package it into the most candy coated shell, so that it seems that a little prayer and focus will help us. But we are desparate people, DESPARATE. Even as Christians, we are still WRETCHED, SINFUL, DEPRAVED, and only through God can we be made well. We have to latch on to God with everything we have, with every bit of power in us.

We don't want people to think that we aren't in control, so we don't let them know. We don't tell people that we have zero desire to seek God. We don't tell people that our sexual lust consumes every second of our thought. People don't know how much we hurt. All we tell them is that we have thorns in our side, when we actually have gaping wounds, death creeping closer to our heart.

But we're expected to be a certain way, and even to suffer a certain way, so we expect the same from others.

And when we pray, we pray, not because we care about them, but because it's what you're supposed to do to help people feel better. Because we've learned that "prayer is power," and prayer will magically heal hurts, and that God will just fill our hearts with good feelings and burning desire to seek him. And when they share, we don't probe further to see if there is more hurt beyond the surface pain, because it's too awkward to see more pain than we're supposed to have.

Is your future worth more than your suffering brother? Is a steady job more important than your struggling sister? Are you aware that the person next to you is hurting deeply? Or are you satisfied with their confession of a lack of dedication in reading the word?

Change

I have a xanga. It's II_Pakman_II. It' s a relic from a younger time when I was still foolish and lost, but thinking that I had everything all figured out. I sometimes wonder why I don't just keep writing in my xanga. I probably joined blogger because of the whole blog fad revival, but I think that my xanga just shows so much of my immaturity and my very man-centered view of Christianity. It also reminds me of how I used to blog about Jesus just so that I could seem more Holy than I was. Too bad I wrote utter CRAP... and people agreed with me. I hope God has since done damage control. I feel terrible for trying to be all godly and ending up potentially leading other people astray. I'm hoping that the separation of blogs is kind of a symbol of the separation of my old life from my new life in God, with a greater, but definitely not complete, understanding of his message of grace and salvation. I'm glad to leave behind that old self, trying my best to appear humble yet still being so self seeking. I'm reminded of the proverb that says something to the effect of "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool returns to his folly." Only a fool would ever want to go back to the life he had before, without God.

I don't really ever know how to end posts, so I'll just stop writing

Closeness

I'm feeing a little empty. I like having the physical closeness of a brother or sister, and being able to share things with them. Sometimes I lose the conversation, just because I can't guide the conversation well. Sometimes I don't know how to initiate. I wish living in the world didn't make us so busy.

Faith in Faith

I've realized that I have very little faith in other people's faiths. If they are in high school, if they attend the churches that I've used to attend, If they have not been on KCM missions...etc...I often have the view that they do not really understand the gospel. I don't want to judge them for what I perceive as their lack of faith, but I hope to encourage them to seek Him with real desire to know and to meet him.

Loving Life

I am more confident. I enjoy life more. I LOVE KCM, I LOVE USC. I feel as though I can do so much more with my life, and with all the blessings God has given me. I hope though, that this is not just because of the people I have developed relationships with (although the friendships I have made here are just AMAZING), but I hope that my new found strength and passion to live to the fullest is from God. "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7 (Props to Linda Mun for showing me this verse when I really needed it sophomore year). =]. God is amazing. Have you spent time in the word today?